Crying and stumbling.....learning new steps

February 3rd, 2010

As I listen to the internet radio, I have to agree with the song I hear…..”How great is our God”. Today is the one year anniversary of the day we walked thru the doors of MD Anderson………it was one year ago today that we heard the words, “This is advanced stage III merkel cell but we will treat it as curative. I looked at the doctor with shock. “What do you mean by pretty extensive disease?” I asked. “The size of the tumor and then number of lymph nodes involved” was the reply from Dr. Ross, the surgeon. “You need to have chemo first because the tumor is too big to operate on.” Was there another way? Advanced stage III didn’t work for me. One year ago we were still at MDA having test…..I know it is 9:00 pm but we were actually there until 11:30 that night. But even though the words were hard to swallow and the day was long, we were full of hope and ready to fight with all we had in us. We knew how great our God was. We knew we had a lot to fight for. We knew we had many many people praying for us. One year ago, Joe and I held hands as we walked the halls of MDA…..he was strong, handsome, a little shaken by the news……I was taking deep breaths, felt God holding my other had as I walked the halls, holding my head high, remembering I was a daughter of the King…….I had a song in my heart to keep the fear away.
One year ago……little has changed……much has changed……..I feel at times I am simply going through the motions of life. But I sing. I work, I rest, I process grief, I try to have fun and I do. But it only seems to be a diluted substitute for the life I had. Tuesday night I actually went to a ballet class……literally and figuratively I am trying to dance through life….trying to learn the steps to this dance of single life…….it feels very awkward…..but I keep taking steps. Right now, I am tired of letting go…I feel like I have let go of a lot and I am tired. I will rest….and pick it up another time. I still know how great God is….look what I lived through…..look how I grew….look at all God did…. I still have a lot to fight for…..at times I feel like my life is over, but I KNOW that is not reality and I know I have a future because I know God. I am so thankful for all the people still praying for our family and the outpouring of love towards us. Joe is gone….that is very different and hard………..something new happened today……a man I met a few months ago called to check on me today to simply visit…….that hasn’t happened in 30 years!

Crying, focusing and stumbling trying to learn the new steps,

Kathleen