September 4nd 2010
Another month has begun and time marches on whether we are ready or not. Last Thursday I attended the Kerrville Chamber of Commerce Banquet that Joe and I attended last year together when I received Woman of the Year. So much was different this year and yet some things remained the same. I decided to wear the same dress I wore last year as Joe picked it out and bought it for me last year…I hadn’t worn it since last years event and it made me smile to wear it knowing he liked it. I did not like driving alone to the event and stopped and gave a friend a ride…I miss being driven places and having a steady date. A sweet friend emailed me to check on me and as I replied to her about going to the banquet I wrote that I hoped this evening would be healing INSTEAD of painful. As I typed the word instead I felt like God said I have healing for you instead of painful. As I sat thru the big event in our community and reflected on last year being there with Joe it was healing. I smiled as I remember how much he pushed thru his own pain to be there. He had said for several years that one day I would receive that honor and I always laughed at him and said I was a legend in only his mind…he was right.
August has been the toughest month I have experienced in the grief process. I have been in an intense place of embracing the pain and loss in order to go on. I feel like I have been contending against depression and having to hang on to the truth that I know instead of my feelings. Some days as I awoke and didn’t feel like I had what it took to get thru day I felt like God said to just show up and leave the rest to him. It is his ministry anyway so it is His responsibility to give me what I need to do my job. As I would push thru the pain and simply show up, somehow He provided what I needed in a very busy season at work. Amazingly things came together in spite of me and my weakness. As I have struggled with feeling like my life was over because of the pain and loss I have felt myself contending with what I know to be true because of things God has spoken to me, His character and his word. I have had the opportunity to learn to overcome one of life’s greatest heart aches. In the midst of this I have learned to depend on only God as I have felt abandoned by some that I thought would be there for me in my darkest hour. But God has provided others and He has comforted me…at the end of the day, He is the only one that can heal my pain. I have felt the undertow of this last wave pull so hard that at times I didn’t think I would make it. But in it was reminded that when having done all STAND. I remember when I was in Cabo the Pacific Ocean undertow being so strong all I could do was plant my feet and hope I didn’t get washed out to sea! At other times I have felt myself gasping for breath in tears because of the intensity of the pain. Earlier in the month I spoke on overcoming….it was if God gave me the message because he knew I would need to practice, practice and then practice some more of what I had learned in recent months. I have had to embrace the pain, not live in the feelings, and contend with the truth….I feel it has almost killed me to do these things and I know the training I am getting will serve me well one day. One day I felt so much like my life was over, I simply had to do the opposite of what I felt…a friend came by work and invited me to go to swing dance class with she and her husband and although I felt like crawling in a hole I went and danced…swing dance is fast and fun and I learned at times I have to simply do the opposite of what I feel. Although August was hard, I learned a lot and now feel I am at a better place.
Ok…now for some good news. Yesterday at Christian Women’s Job Corps the Holy Spirit showed up and had a different plan than the bible study teacher and I did. As we let Him lead and we followed, tears began to flow in the room as His presence settled and we had six women accept the Lord! That makes history at CWJC as we have never had that many at one time come to the Lord and it was almost half the class! No wonder last month was so difficult for me…break thru was near! I love working with God!
Mallory and Rob are coming this direction this Labor Day weekend and it will be good to spend time with them. I have missed my girl! Austin and Laura are enjoying the D.C. area and Austin reported today his garden is doing well! Price is adjusting to being a Jr. at UT.
Waiting, contending, and loving Him,
Kathleen
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