I am beginning to think I am on a roller coaster that never seems to stop. Some times it takes my breath away, sometimes I feel like I am hanging on for dear life, other times I am having so much fun although I never know what is around the corner. Waves of grief still roll over me painfully touching my heart reminding me that things will never be the same without Joe and causing me to sigh and breathe deep. Other times I am in situations that make me feel like I am hanging on for dear life trying to figure out what to do. For example, I sat by a man on the airplane and we began to visit, talking about work, kids, Texas, Joe’s cancer, etc. I talk to people on elevators…….I am a social person but the next thing I know, the man asks for my phone number! I about died feeling like I was hanging on a cliff! I haven’t had that happen in over 30 years! What on earth was I going to do? Many thoughts went through my mind…….how could Joe leave me and put me in this situation, Joe hasn’t been gone three months, flattered and not feeling 50, and quickly realizing I need a game plan for situations like this. Although he was nice, he was a stranger! I certainly know that my heart needs more healing before I get into any relationship and know another man will not heal me. There are the times I am having a blast in life, like the week in Mexico with my kids. We had so much fun and there were very little tears that week and a great holiday even though we missed Joe…..but this week has been a little different………
I have gone back to work some, still have had kids at home which has been nice, but the thought of facing a new year without Joe has TRIED to overwhelm me and brought tears….like when someone told me they were going dancing for New Years….I have lost my favorite dance partner…ouch. I have also missed prayer times with Joe. We use to pray regularly about the New Year, things at work, the kids, etc. .I have really had to focus and breath…..focus on God’s faithfulness to me, focus on the fact that I am dearly loved by Him and preach to myself to just breathe deep. Things will never be the same but it is a new beginning……. I will encounter new things, have new adventures and new discoveries, will have lots of fun, will overcome, will grow and will change in the process. I will break though this year in some areas and most of all I will live like I am loved…,Live like you are loved Kathleen….that is what I feel the Lord saying to me for 2010. His perfect love casts down all my fears. ( I John 4:18-19 )
Still singing and Happy New 2010!
Kathleen
Whether we are climbing, strolling, running, waltzing, parading, galloping, walking or wheeling up to the narrow gate, we do it together with our Savior. God's got a plan and though it may seem early to even conceivably give your number away, He's got your number, giving you a little taste of what I know Joe wants for you too. They both want for you to share the rest of your life with someone and not be alone. Far be it for any of us to judge what is too soon. This may be part of how God heals you by softening your heart, to trust your heart to Him first and teach you that He will give you someone else to love in your lifetime. We can never under estimate God's orchestration of timing. It's always perfect!
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