April 14, 2010
I have decided that I am a fully alive woman that is contending with grief so I can continue healing and live life abundantly. (John 10:10) I know what Joe and I had was special and something we invested in for 33 years – us. Therefore, I know the grief will not dissipate quickly as the loss was great. This week I have found myself missing the security that a 33 year relationship produces. We were comfortable with each other. We had history with one another and knew each other quite well. Now that I am single, I am so aware this security is gone. I have had to let go of the security I enjoyed this week. In reality the only thing that is really secure is God. The things He does sometimes are a little crazy if you ask me…..read the bible! A virgin gets pregnant, kill a giant with a stone, march around a city and shout as a battle plan…..seriously, there is no security in what God does, only in who He is. To me He is faithful, He is with me and He loves me. That simply has to be enough for me right now.
I am astounded at the variety of ideas people have with how I should be processing grief and moving on. Sometimes it is annoying to be honest. Especially from people that have not walked in my shoes. At times I have really wanted to say, “Excuse me, have you watched tumors grow on someone you love? I didn’t think so. Were you left a widow at 50?” So how can people think they can tell me how to grieve and how and when to move on and how fast I should or should not move on? I have had to learn to simply step back and walk in what I feel God is telling me. When someone is stepping out into the unknown, they need encouragement not someone telling them all the things that can go wrong. I need people building my confidence. Encouragement breeds courage. And believe me, it takes courage to start life over at 50. Encourage those around you. Encouragement empowers people. All of us need others cheering us on in life. Life is hard and there are risks all around. But God is with me, holding my hand and I constantly pray that He will reveal truth in the situations I am in. That is one prayer He always answers. He loves to reveal truth and He loves me dearly.
Moving on one step at a time,
Kathleen
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