Gaining in Grief

This past week I have felt like I am pressing against a 1,000,000 ton boulder for my new life. Embracing the reality that Joe will not be at my side and my date in all the celebrations for Mallory's wedding and parties has been challanging. Another letting go and loss....but I am going to try to refocus and look for all I have gained from grief and loss.....

Loosing my mother and my husband and walking through the years of letting go of both of them has been the most difficult things I have endured in my life. Watching two people I love dearly slowly leave this world has been incredibly painful but the best teacher I have ever had. In 2003 my vibrant outgoing mother was diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease. Overseeing her care for six years and watching the disease that was in her brain change her prepared me for the news in 2009 that my husband of 30 years had Merkel Cell Carcinoma. Nine months to the day after diagnoses, he died. Dealing with both of these losses has taught me so much and I am forever grateful. It has taught me how to lay down my life for another, much about medicine, and about who God is in the midst of walking through the valley of the shadow of death. It has also taught me about God’s goodness to me. God has poured out His love and blessings in so many ways. It has also taught me how to love unconditionally and to love for better or for worse when nothing is returned. It has shown me a strength inside of me that I didn’t know was there. I have learned to live from the inside out. I use to live by circumstances but now I live by my values and circumstances do not determine if I have a good day or not. It has also shown me my own short comings that I need to work on It is easy to become self centered when life falls apart and I have seen that in myself and tried to change my self centeredness. Care giving for seven years has shown me how to set boundaries to protect myself. It has taught me to overcome and how to live life abundantly instead of being overcome by circumstances. Too many people let life’s hardships stop them and they live in yesterday. But I have been in an intense training of pressing on and learning to live present future. Yesterday is gone and I cannot change it. I must press on for the destiny God has for me even though I have had to pack my dreams away. I have also expanded my sphere of influence. I know so many more people because of these hardships and the difficulties and overcoming in them has given me a new authority in life. Fear does not intimidate me anymore. After watching tumors grow on the man I loved, nothing scares me. God has seen me through the darkest hour and I have learned to trust God more. A new confidence defines me now and I hold things loosely knowing anything I think I have is only a temporary gift from Him. Grief can be a great teacher when we embrace it and determine to not waste and welcome the uninvited guest that knocks on our door.