An Honest Account of Love, Grief and Walking With God
Finding God's Goodness in Life's Disappointments

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Daring to Believe


August 26, 2010

What a busy few days it has been getting ready for my new semester at CWJC. I still wear out pretty quickly and my “emotional bank” is still pretty low. Work and this last wave of grief have really depleted me…I hate it and it cramps my style. Yesterday was our new student orientation and volunteer training and it is exciting to see the new semester come together. As I have journeyed thru the grief process, I have had to look at situations and people and ask if something is a deposit in my emotional bank account or a withdrawal. I have to limit people and situations that are withdrawals from my account and do things and be with people that are deposits.
There is a song that has particularly ministered to me lately. It is by Josh Wilson and is called “Before the Morning” You can hear it on You Tube but here are the words…
Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning
I do get weary of the pain of the loss and feel trapped by it at times. It has been a long journey from watching tumors grow to learning to live alone and I wonder at times if the pain will ever end. In the past I have had people, the wedding and other things to distract me. Now I feel I am having to face the reality and the pain head on. I don’t like it but God knows that too and I surrender to where I am and where he has me. I have to look reality straight in the eyes not knowing how I will get thru this valley because I seem to have no strength but will hold the hand of God and simply take it one step at a time. I don't know much but I do know He loves me...

Daring to believe-

Kathleen

1 comment:

  1. Today, reading this, I can see how not having Joe to process CWJC and plan with you could get you down.

    There's the part of pushing through the grief process when you know that there is going to be a happy ending or relief, but the ending for this process will always be the same: Joe is always going to be gone. I'm weeping with you sharing this horrible pain and I've been feeling the same way in just the tiniest of instances when I would imagine what my life would be like without Mark. DOES NOT COMPARE AT ALL with what you are going through because as much as the "possibility" of that loss hurts me, you are living the REALITY of it every day.

    I'm praying for you to be surrounded with support and even a God-given gift of someone who is as available to you as Joe was so you having Jesus-in-skin. I'm so sorry, Kathleen.

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