An Honest Account of Love, Grief and Walking With God
Finding God's Goodness in Life's Disappointments

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Truth and Love




July 22, 2010


I returned from my trip to California at 3:oo am on Wednesday morning. Our plane had to make an emergency landing due to a medical emergency. The lady was sitting next to me when she began to faint. They called for anyone with medical experience. I thought of raising my hand since I had numerous hours in hospitals and doctors offices. Instead I chose to simply pray for the woman and try to comfort her. Another divine appointment…

My trip was a lot of fun and gave me a good break getting away from work and life in Kerrville. The trip was a gift from a friend and was a wonderful blessing. I was able to hike, see San Francisco and rest some. God continues to provide the things I need.

My father had knee surgery on Monday and when I returned I immediately had to help my sister with my parents. With both of them needing an advocate we were pretty busy. We have had to move my mom to a care facility River Hill Rehab and dad is at Sid Peterson. It has been crazy for the past few days….I am still not sure why my life revolves around hospitals and doctors in this season of my life. Today I had to take my mom to the doctor and then go to the hospital to assist my dad with some things. In the nine months Joe has been gone mom and dad have had 5 hospital stays…Didn’t I live in hospitals last year?

I had a dream when I was in California. In the dream Joe was helping me get a rocking chair out of the garage. I was talking to him about getting it ready. I discussed with him having a friend help me recover it. As I pondered the dream and prayed about it I felt like the situation with Joe is/has prepared me for a new life. But I am still in the preparation time for this new life. I don’t have a rocking chair in my house but used one with all my babies. My new life is coming…I am still preparing for it. I also felt like I heard God speak “wait” while I was on my trip. So I will continue to heal, prepare and wait for the unknown…so much has happened in nine months and yet it only seems like yesterday at other times. I am still trying to figure out how to spell “single” much less live it! I have enjoyed several dates but am not ready for another relationship.

Psalms 4o:11 really spoke to me the other day. “may your love and truth always protect me.” Wow! I have never read that before. His incredible love has given me a confidence to walk in many unknown situations fully confidant in Him and unafraid. Sometimes I remind myself that the worst that could happen is I could die and be with Jesus and Joe and how bad could that be? In times when I feel weak in situations I remind myself I have watched tumors grow and suddenly the problem seems small and I know God will show me the way. He consistently reveals truth in situations that I question…the key is simply asking and waiting on Him to reveal truth and not to move unless I feel peace in a situation. Praying for truth to be revealed is a prayer that never fails. So I will continue to daily ask for a fresh revelation of His love and for Him to reveal truth to me.

Preparing and waiting for new life-

Kathleen

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Wedding Day


July 15, 2010


My thought for the day is that time flies by. Right after the wedding I left for a little time away to regroup after the wedding so I was quite busy shifting gears and getting ready to leave for California.

Now about the wedding as I know many of you are anxious to hear. The big day began with a “wedding jog”. I was determined to keep up with the 25 year olds but was slower. At least I didn’t faint on the 2 ½ miles trot down the road. The neat thing was I went jogging 30 years ago on my wedding day. After that we had a wonderful bridesmaids luncheon in down town Austin given by two friends that were in my wedding. We had a lot of fun.

We all began to get ready early in the afternoon so we could be ready for pictures which began around 5:15. It was a relaxing afternoon and the bride was calm, cool and collected as the make up and hair lady fixed her all up. Neither one of us shed a tear only laughter and joy as we prepared for the big event. At seven in the evening the music began and I was escorted down the aisle by my two handsome redheaded sons and I was grinning from ear to ear. Next were my adorable nephews and Rob’s niece. And then there was a picture that will forever be tattooed in my memory…with Price on the right, Austin on the left and Mallory in the middle all of my precious children walked down the aisle with tears in each of their eyes. Tears began to roll down my cheeks and most of the people attending the outdoor event looking over a beautiful canyon. The bride was radiant and it was evident that her brothers were honored to give her away. Austin joined his sister’s hand to Rob’s as the minister asked “Who gives this woman to this man?” Austin’s reply was “Her mother and us.” Then Franklin Williamson had the couple repeat their vows…he married Joe and I. The rest of the evening was delightful filled with good food, friends and dancing.

I don’t know for sure but somehow I think Joe had the best view of the evening and was smiling down on all of us. Thanks again from the bottom of my heart to all of you that have prayed us thru the valley and mountains of this journey.

Resting and discovering –

Kathleen

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Wedding Rehearsal





July 11, 2010


What can I say about an amazing few wedding days? Mallory and I left Kerrville early Friday morning in two different cars headed for Vista West Ranch in Dripping Springs. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I drove….I should be in the passenger seat talking to her daddy as we drove to our daughters wedding... My tears were mixed with joy at how God had found our daughter a great guy that adored her, grief that her dad wasn’t here to share the event and wonder at how the events would play out. But by the time I arrived the tears were gone and gone for the weekend other than when I saw my two sons escorting their sister and all of my kids crying. Then I lost it but so did most of the 150 people witnessing the event. It was such a fun filled weekend.

Friday when we arrived in the Austin area we began with meeting a couple of bridesmaids for manicures and pedicures and then meeting Rob’s family for lunch. After that we went to get ready for the rehearsal. The rehearsal began a little late but went really well and was followed by a wonderful dinner at Jack Allen’s Kitchen. It was fun visiting with friends and family and roasting and toasting Rob and Mallory.

I will write more tomorrow….I am so exhausted but wanted all of you to know everything went so well and we all had a blast.

Thankful for so much,

Kathleen

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Nine Months

July 8, 2010

Nine months have gone by since Joe left earth. In some ways it seems like he has been gone forever. As I worked out at the gym today I had to reflect on where I am now compared to where I was nine months ago. Today I was able to lift twice as much weight with my arms and three times the amount with my legs. I don't know how it happened but I feel I have gotten stronger physically spiritually and emotionally in the last nine months…amazing how that happens when you feel your weakest. I know that is where God comes in and His strength is made perfect when we are the weakest and depend on Him. I had a friend that I had lunch with this week that I hadn’t seen since Joe died and she commented that I wasn’t the same person and had changed in a positive way. That was encouraging. I guess that is where brokenness becomes your friend. I have discovered that embracing pain and letting go are good and I really realize I am nothing without Him and He is all I need. Wow…a hard nine months but they have changed me.

Here we are two days from the wedding. It has been busy busy around here. So many last minute details but it is all coming together. We have had our share of wedding drama----went to pick up the dress yesterday and they said they couldn’t find it…..the lady doing the hair and make up emailed today and said she wasn’t sure she could make it and do all the bridesmaids…..the cake lady didn’t want to deliver the cake and the ring was ready this afternoon…but Mallory and I have been determined to walk in peace and we have. She is doing quite well. My baby girl is all grown up. Another letting go…another life changing event in two days.

I want to thank all of you that have held us up in prayer. I know there would be no way we would have made it without your love, support and prayers. Thank you thank you!

Held by His grace,

Kathleen

Monday, July 5, 2010

Letting Go of the Way it is Suppose to Be

July 5th, 2010 – 11,393

I have had a good few days, weekend and July 4th holiday. Mallory and I went shopping for wedding things, things for her honeymoon, etc. I have forgotten how many little details there are with a wedding and Mal and I have had fun. I love my relationship with my daughter. It is wonderful and I am thankful. On Saturday I went on a 7 mile walk with a friend. It has been an intense discipline balancing all of this…wedding, working, grieving, having fun (I went to swing dance classes last week and had a blast dancing) and exercising to deal with the stress and to feel better. I do feel like I am getting closer to feeling like myself again. It sure has taken a long time.

Something exciting that has happened is that I submitted 3 stories to a publishing company that wanted short stories about walking thru cancer as a caregiver or patient. I found out this week they are going to publish all three stories and they will be released in October. They also encouraged me in writing a book after they read my blog. We will see where all this goes but it is encouraging.

On July 4th Mallory, Price and Rob were home so I made BBQ ribs and homemade ice cream. It is one of our favorite July 4th / summer meals. We had fun although I missed Joe. We all hopped in the car and went to the fireworks at the city park. Price drove all of us in my convertible playing rap music….once again I wondered about my life but really enjoyed my kids. It is fun seeing them as adults and hearing their viewpoints on life.

Today I saw where I needed to let go of “the way it is suppose to be.” As I have looked ahead to the wedding in a few days as well as another area of my life, I realized that was the next thing I needed to release. Often times we get it in our heads about how we think things should be and when it isn’t that way we get disappointed. Who says it is suppose to be a certain way? Who are we to think we should have a certain life? I am also learning to ask God more and more to adjust my perception of things. After releasing the way it is “suppose to be” I quickly began to see the many blessings in my life that I have experienced.

OK….wedding count down! It is not long now! Thanks so much to all of you that have been praying for all of us. We would be in a desperate place without all the prayers and love.

Experiencing His grace and love,

Kathleen