An Honest Account of Love, Grief and Walking With God
Finding God's Goodness in Life's Disappointments

Thursday, October 29, 2009

New Things

It has been 3 weeks since Joe began his citizenship in heaven and I have now lived at home alone 4 days. I have had waves of tears as I have embraced the pain but I’ve tried to establish some routine as routine has not been a part of my vocabulary the last 10 months…..I’ve worked about 6 hours each day which has been good and I have done new things…..like begun to figure out how to probate a will, had 4 evenings in a quite house, gone to the funeral home and taken care of things…..I am learning to listen to the Holy Spirit as to what to do when….Monday I felt God say, “you don’t have to go to get the death certificates today…but Tuesday, I felt Him say, “you can do this today, I am with you.” God totally supplied the strength and I actually shared with some of the staff about the goodness of God to us in this journey. Yea God! Another new thing I did was begin a little book called, ­­­The Widow’s Way that was sent to me….my first thought was, “I don’t want to read that.” But I decided to as I am all about not resisting circumstances but advancing through them. Embrace grief – but not be overcome by it……The book said that much of the purpose and meaning of life revolves around family members, especially one’s mate…..that most widows choose to live even though struggling to find meaning and purpose. I loved Joe dearly, he was my best friend and lover. But MY purpose in life wasn’t him or my kids. I feel I know my purpose in life (I might share more about that later) and my identity was not rooted in Joe.
As a young bride and into the first ½ of our marriage, I looked to Joe to make me happy. He was my focus…. If he didn’t tell me I was pretty or that he loved me or we had a disagreement, it was a bad day. God began to deal with that in my heart. He began to show me that I had made my husband an idol and that wasn’t right. I had to confess that as sin and began to shift my heart to look to Jesus each day for satisfaction and affirmation. As I did that, the intimacy and love in my relationship with Joe grew. I began to get my identity as a child of God instead getting my identity as a wife or mother I am first a daughter of the Most High God. ( I have actually written a little book about this) Being a daughter of the King, defines me, gives me value and is my identity………not being a wife or mother…..those things can fade……. My job is to simply live in that confident place of being a much loved child of God, His daughter and let God heal my heart as only He can. Hebrews 10:35 in the Amplified version says, “Do not therefore fling away your fearless confidence. For it carries a great and glorious compensation of reward.” My confidence and identity is rooted in Him.

Healing and holding His hand,

Kathleen

Monday, October 26, 2009

Pressing on...

The past few days have been interesting as our family has tried to get back to normal.....whatever that is....I am still trying to figure that out. Saturday I said goodbye to Austin and Laura, my son and the best daughter-in-law in the world and Price picked me up in SA. He left Sunday to go back to Austin at 12:45.....God's grace met me as I closed the door and tried to figure out what to do next. I went to HEB to discover how to shop for one, went on a walk with Tammy, and later Nina came over...I love my friends! Today I went to work until about 2:00 and that was good. I came home and began going through the mail, accomplishing opening the envelopes of important papers and beginning to organize...so much to do....one step at a time. At 5:30 I decided to go to the gym and work out for the first time in 5 weeks....next decided I better buy epsom salts so I can get out of bed tomorrow!This morning I read Philippians 3:10-14...it spoke to me...here is my version - "my purpose is to know Him more progressively and understand His person more strongly and clearly and that in the suffering continually be transformed into His likeness. I press on to lay hold of that which Jesus has laid hold of- I belong to Him...forgetting what lies behind and straining toward what lies ahead- I press on." Forget Joe...never...but let go of the life I have known beause Jesus has a plan for me.  Adjusting, crying, breathing and trusting, Kathleen

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Making the Times

News Flash.......yesterday as I stepped off my American Airlines flight in DFW, I had a call from the reporter from the New York Times asking me another question about Joe. She also told me the article would be on the front page of today's paper! We are just one of many she interviewed and I think her article depicts the world of cancer we faced in our battle. The interview took place the morning we left MDA and it was the last time Joe had a lengthy conversation with anyone.... 45 minutes he focused like God said and answered her questions....I was so proud of him! If you click on his name in the article, Joe Maxwell ,it will take people directly to our caringbridge website. Our prayer is that others will be encouraged by our battle and come to know God in a closer way as they read our story. Click the title of the article below, "Forty Years War: A Place Where Cancer is the Norm," to read from the New York Times today.Smiling in Texas,KathleenHEALTH / RESEARCH October 25, 2009 Forty Years' War: A Place Where Cancer Is the Norm By GINA KOLATA M. D. Anderson Cancer Center, the largest freestanding cancer hospital, is on the front lines battling a disease that still faces grim odds. Advertisement

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

New Season

Greetings dear friends,

After many of you encouraged me to continue my journey with Caringbridge, my kids decided to start this blog for me. I am humbled that there are people that want to simply read about my journey with God in this season. Thanks for all the cheering on in this season of my life......not sure where to go from here but God will lead.

Blessings,

Kathleen