An Honest Account of Love, Grief and Walking With God
Finding God's Goodness in Life's Disappointments

Thursday, October 29, 2009

New Things

It has been 3 weeks since Joe began his citizenship in heaven and I have now lived at home alone 4 days. I have had waves of tears as I have embraced the pain but I’ve tried to establish some routine as routine has not been a part of my vocabulary the last 10 months…..I’ve worked about 6 hours each day which has been good and I have done new things…..like begun to figure out how to probate a will, had 4 evenings in a quite house, gone to the funeral home and taken care of things…..I am learning to listen to the Holy Spirit as to what to do when….Monday I felt God say, “you don’t have to go to get the death certificates today…but Tuesday, I felt Him say, “you can do this today, I am with you.” God totally supplied the strength and I actually shared with some of the staff about the goodness of God to us in this journey. Yea God! Another new thing I did was begin a little book called, ­­­The Widow’s Way that was sent to me….my first thought was, “I don’t want to read that.” But I decided to as I am all about not resisting circumstances but advancing through them. Embrace grief – but not be overcome by it……The book said that much of the purpose and meaning of life revolves around family members, especially one’s mate…..that most widows choose to live even though struggling to find meaning and purpose. I loved Joe dearly, he was my best friend and lover. But MY purpose in life wasn’t him or my kids. I feel I know my purpose in life (I might share more about that later) and my identity was not rooted in Joe.
As a young bride and into the first ½ of our marriage, I looked to Joe to make me happy. He was my focus…. If he didn’t tell me I was pretty or that he loved me or we had a disagreement, it was a bad day. God began to deal with that in my heart. He began to show me that I had made my husband an idol and that wasn’t right. I had to confess that as sin and began to shift my heart to look to Jesus each day for satisfaction and affirmation. As I did that, the intimacy and love in my relationship with Joe grew. I began to get my identity as a child of God instead getting my identity as a wife or mother I am first a daughter of the Most High God. ( I have actually written a little book about this) Being a daughter of the King, defines me, gives me value and is my identity………not being a wife or mother…..those things can fade……. My job is to simply live in that confident place of being a much loved child of God, His daughter and let God heal my heart as only He can. Hebrews 10:35 in the Amplified version says, “Do not therefore fling away your fearless confidence. For it carries a great and glorious compensation of reward.” My confidence and identity is rooted in Him.

Healing and holding His hand,

Kathleen

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