An Honest Account of Love, Grief and Walking With God
Finding God's Goodness in Life's Disappointments

Friday, August 6, 2010

First Anniversary without Joe





August 6, 2010


Whoo who…by the grace of God and prayers of many I have made it through another grief hurdle. I wasn’t sure exactly how I wanted to spend the first wedding anniversary without Joe. The morning began in my favorite place…my back porch with my coffee and just sitting and being with the Lord. I had found months ago an anniversary card Joe bought for me last year that he hadn’t given me. I didn’t read it and saved it for Wednesday morning. It was difficult to read because it talked about growing old together and our love continuing to grow…ouch. That brought the tears. I went for a two mile run as I had 31 years ago…glad I can still do that! Later in the morning I went and got my mom out of the care facility we had placed her in as my dad was released from the hospital. They were so happy to be back together. I worked at my job in the afternoon. The pain was great and one of the toughest days I have experienced but I felt God’s presence surrounding me as I embraced the grief and wrote in my journal. I know it will do no good to run from the pain. I reflected about my wedding day and other anniversaries we had spent. We usually didn’t give gifts to each other but chose to go away for the weekend somewhere to celebrate our love. Today was quite different than other August 4th I had spent but I tried to reflect on all I had to be thankful. Joe adored me, was a great cheerleader for me in whatever I pursued and loved to spend time with me as well as being an awesome man of God. I know that many married women haven’t had a husband like that because they have told me. I am thankful for the 30 years we shared. There were several special blessings God gave me as he knows what delights my heart. He is the greatest husband! One was Price gave me a beautiful flower arrangement an another was I got an invitation for a speaking engagement for the fall for a Baptist church in Granbury. Both made me smile. At the last minute I had some long time friends drop by to visit that evening. As we sat on my deck as we had all 6 done many times and laughed it helped ease the pain. Once in the evening I glanced at the empty chair where Joe use to sit but it was alright.
I don’t know what the future holds for me but I do know who holds my future. I will continue to focus and breathe and choose to trust Him because He has always been faithful. I am not in control of my life and there are so many things that constantly remind me of that but it is ok. I continue to seek God for healing for me and my kids and look to Him to order my steps and give me divine appointments. I am learning with my parents, Joe’s death and other situations how to live life abundantly in brokenness. Not a class I would have ever signed up for but necessary for the call of God on my life.

Held by grace,
Kathleen

2 comments:

  1. Love you, Kathleen. I had to smile at your last comment here because it made me think that maybe you were taking the final exam for a class you didn't know you had signed up for .... remember that nightmare we all have had in college? Smiling with you, a bittersweet grin. ~Celia

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  2. wow! Never thought of it that way. Thanks for encouraging me and helping me see that. I apreciate you.

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