An Honest Account of Love, Grief and Walking With God
Finding God's Goodness in Life's Disappointments

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Reality, Truth and Feelings


As I have tried to process my feelings the last few days and tried to figure out what triggered the new wave of grief, I have concluded that this is the anniversary week of when we went to MD Anderson. It is also when the reality hit of what we were facing. Although we found out he had cancer in January, we were willing to make the sacrifices necessary to go to the world's best and were happy it was only four hours away. We were confidant they had an answer.......I remember after visiting with two doctors there praying and saying, "God they don't know what they are doing.....this is beyond them....you are our only hope." The reality hit we were in a very threating situation. The reality hit that medicine would be a part of our lives from now on. I think reality has hit that Joe is really gone and is not coming back. You mix that with the new experiences of single life that just doesn't FEEL normal to a woman that was married for thirty years and had pretty good boundries around her marriage. But FEEL is the operative word.....I simply cannot live in my feelings. I have to live in the truth. As I was walking this week I noticed many trees with no leaves and they look dead. They look like their life is over.....but I know that in a few months they will look totally different...full of blooms and leaves. I have to remind myself of that truth for my own life. I constantly ask God to reveal truth to me. Jesus said, "You will know the truth and the truth will set you free." I think that is a major scripture. But not just being able to quote it.....living in the truth day by day sets us free. For example, I had a lengthy conversation with a man the other day. It was a good conversation but I would have never had a conversation like that without Joe there, or someone else. We set good boundries to protect our marriage. After the conversation it didn't FEEL normal and ok....but I had to remind myself, I am single now, he was single and it was ok. (Don't get any ideas, it was only a conversation)

The picture is of us one year ago this weekend at Joe's first chemo treatment.

Have a Super Weekend!

Kathleen

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