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An Honest Account of Love, Grief and Walking With God
Finding God's Goodness in Life's Disappointments

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Approaching the One Year Mark

Last week God gave me an interesting passage to read. I was actually looking for a scripture in II Samuel and found this passage. It is a common bible story of David and Bathsheba and the loss of their son. It says in II Samuel 12:15-17… “the Lord struck the child that Uriah’s wife had borne to David, and he became ill. David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and went into his house and spent the nights lying on the ground.” (NIV) This is an interesting passage that might rock some people’s theology but I can’t help but note that this child was what we might consider in our society a victim of circumstances. He had no choice in his father’s sin and yet God took his life. At the end of the day, the child belonged to God so he could do what he wanted with him. Perhaps God knew his life would be so much better with Him than on earth. Joe's life belonged to God too... Anyway, David mourned for the child and was beside himself with grief even when the child was alive so much so that when the child died the servants were afraid to tell David. II Samuel 12:19 says, “Is the child dead?” he asked. “Yes,” they replied, “he is dead.” Then David got up from the ground, After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.” (NIV) David’s servants then asked him why he was acting this way. Verse 22 says, “He answered, While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept I thought, “Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live. But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.” David then went to comfort his wife Bathsheba and they had Solomon.

David is my favorite bible character. He was a red head and a man after God’s heart and a worshipper. I am a woman after God’s heart and a worshipper...I do have 2 handsome redheaded sons! What was so interesting to me was how quickly David moved on in his life. Personally I feel loosing a husband, someone with whom I was one with is more difficult than loosing a child but nevertheless, David accepted the loss, surrendered to God’s plan and moved on knowing that that season was over, there was nothing more he could do but worship and live life. As I pondered the passage I felt like God saying I had grieved long and hard for 21 months and it was time to go on and really enjoy life. He isn’t coming back and my life as well as my kids will never be the same. (Even though we were fighting in faith for his life, Joe and I began to let go of life as we had known it when he was diagnosed...we had many times we grieved together)

As I approach October 8th , the day Joe died, I am not dreading it but actually anticipating it. Somehow, someway I have made it a year without him…I don’t know how that happened other than the many prayers that have been offered up and grace of God! It has been the toughest,most painful and yet richest year of my life. I feel like I have grown years in discovering who I am without a husband and kids in the house. I have a confidence like never before because I have seen God’s faithfulness. I have experienced accelerated growth in my identity and relationship with Him. I am a totally different woman than I was a year ago. I know everyone is happy about that!If I could go back to a year ago just to have a few more moments with Joe, I wouldn’t do it I know Joe wouldn't want to either- who would want to leave the praesence of God to see me?…I’ve come to far…like the Meredith Andrews song, “how could I go back to life as usual, how can I return to who I once was, I just want to take your story to the world because you have shown me how to love.” My heart is to keep extracting everything I can from this loss and move on even more in my life. Thanks for sharing this journey with us and all your prayers. I would love to hear if this journey has helped you in anyway...



  1. No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind can conceive what the Lord has prepared, but by His Spirit He HAS revealed, His plan to those who love Him. 1 Cor. 2:9
    I love you sweet friend.

  2. "I will go to him but he will not return to me", one of my very favorite scriptures and a real comfort in times of loss and an exhortation to move forward.

    Your journey remains a powerful guide to all of us.

    John Key

  3. love you Kathleen. I think of you almost every day and miss Joe. Every time I hear Chris Tomlin's song "I will rise up on eagles' wings..." I picture Joe. thank you for continuing to share your thoughts and feelings.

  4. Came across your blog and was thankful I did. We lost our daughter last year and this same text haunted me after her diagnosis. We are approaching the one year mark of when she went home (May 22) and it is harder than we imagined. But our mourning started before she went home.
    This story in Samuel was so intricate in our journey. After receiving a fatal prognosis for your child, "the Lord struck the child" is not the most encouraging phrase in Scripture. But our journey led me to write about it and share the amazing hope and peace that comes from this same God. Thank you for sharing. Feel free to share in our journey as well.