Wednesday, April 7, 2010
April 7, 2010
As I sit here on my deck and reflect on the past 6 months of my life I have to wonder how I have made it. Tomorrow is the six month mark – half way thru the first year of grief. Much has happened,and much has changed in my life. I feel I have hit the grief head on and I am in a much better place physically and emotionally than I was on October 8th 2009 – but I am also aware that this train is just beginning to build up steam….I have learned a lot in many ways – some days I think, “I cannot learn one more new thing” and yet I still have many questions in my new life. The older I get the more I realize I have to learn. You would think by 50 I would have it down!
I have come to know God’s love for me in a much deeper and more intimate level than I ever thought possible. Suffering strips one of self sufficiency and pride and I am much more aware that I am nothing and have nothing without Him. That is what keeps me pressing into the pain of grief – “to know him and the fellowship of His suffering.” I am also aware of the presence of God that surrounds me and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. He has held me during the lonely nights, been a great friend and taken care of me every step of the way. God is a great husband! Today I found a card in my Daytimer that was like a message from God and Joe. It went with flowers Joe sent me last year. It said on the front of the envelope, “Because I can…” The card read, “I love you- Nothing could ever be enough to say how deeply! And , I am so proud of you! Joe” I miss getting flowers from him and miss him cheering my on in the things I put my hands to. If you are married, send her flowers because you can and don’t forget to cheer her on.
A few weeks ago I read Isaiah 54:4-5 which says, “and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your Maker is your husband-the Lord Almighty is his name- the Holy one of Isreal is your Redeemer.” I felt God say, “I don’t want you to live like a widow but a bride. Have fun in your new life.” I felt full permission from the Father to enjoy my new life and I can honestly say I am having fun and constantly laugh at myself. The other day I was filling up water bottles at Wal Mart for work. I had my hand on the water dispenser and was leaning on the water machine as I was tired. A nice looking man walked by and winked at me! (I guess he saw I didn’t have a wedding ring on) I quickly stood up and said to myself, “What does that mean? Was that a pass? What do I do?” OMG! I then had to laugh at myself. I have had a friend from out of state calling frequently and I have really begun to enjoy his company and companionship. It has felt a little safer learning how to have a friendship with a man again with him being several thousand miles away! Wasn’t I watching tumors grow at this time last year? How have things changed so much? I just don’t know the answer to that question.....
Six months of holding His hand-