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An Honest Account of Love, Grief and Walking With God
Finding God's Goodness in Life's Disappointments

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Tired of the Rollercoaster

April 29, 2010

The last few days have caused me to shake my head as I have tried to figure out why on earth I have spent so much time in hospitals and doctors offices. I have no answers. The short version is my mom is out of the hospital and is at home but is not doing real well. My dad has minor surgery and will be in the hospital on Wednesday. ….I just don’t’know….

The other day I have found myself struggling with feelings of anger.. I kicked a rock as hard as I could but it hurt my toe….anger just doesn’t work for me. It is usually a sign of unforgiveness or fear. I usually deal with it quickly so I have been examining my heart and choosing as an act of my will to forgive some things that have hurt that I saw in my heart….create in me a clean heart Lord has been my prayer. I certainly know I have made my share of mistakes and need forgiveness and I also know my feelings can lie to me.

My life has been a roller coaster the past few days…..yesterday I had a wonderful day shopping with Nina a good friend. We drove to San Antonio in my convertible laughing the whole way.and listening to music. I had someone that knew we were shopping call and tell me to buy a pretty dress, it would be paid for…..God continues to amaze me with His wonderful love for me and knows what delights my heart. It was a fabulous day and night as we drove home under the moon light giggling like little girls. Friends are such a treasure. I feel blessed to have many.

But tonight was a different story…..the pains of grief hit harder than they have ever hit causing me to gasp for breath and cry out pain. Horrible pain as I once again let go of life as I have known it and the dreams I had with Joe…..where I thought we would be at this time in our lives. Up yesterday, down very low tonight but as I drove to Hunt breathing the fresh air blowing on my face as tears streamed down a song came on the radio….God often speaks to me in songs……it was a Ronnie Milsap song “I Wouldn’t Have Missed it for the World.” Below are the words….I felt Joe singing this song to me smiling. We use to dance to it.

I Wouldn't Have Missed It For The World - Ronnie Milsap ( you can click on the link to hear it)

Our paths may never cross again
Maybe my heart will never mend
But I'm glad for all the good times
'Cause you brought me so much sunshine
Lve was the best it's ever been
I wouldn't have missed it for the world
Wouldn't have missed lovin' you girl
You made my whole life worthwhile, with your smile
I wouldn't trade one memory
'Cause you mean too much to me
Even though I lost you girl
I wouldn't have missed it for the world
They say that all good things must end
Love comes and goes just like the wind
You've got your dreams to follow
But if I had my chance tomorrow...
You know I'd do it all again
Oh, I wouldn't trade one memory
'Cause you mean too much to me
Even though I lost you girl
I wouldn't have missed it for the world

Right after that another song, “Your New Life has Begun” came on. I had to smile once again. The roller coaster has worn me out tonight. I will wake up tomorrow and try to breathe once again, I will keep letting go and trusting…..pain isn’t fun but I know it will birth a new life.

Me – tired of the roller coaster but knowing I am dearly loved and He holds my heart in His hands- It's all good.


1 comment:

  1. Cannot even begin to understand what you are going through...just keep hanging in there! You do still have prayer warriors praying for you!!! Love you, Judy