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An Honest Account of Love, Grief and Walking With God
Finding God's Goodness in Life's Disappointments

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Favor, Chestnuts and Surfing

December 15, 2010

I love the Christmas season and all that it represents. As I ponder what life must have been like for Mary I stand in awe of her. Here was a young girl with her future planned and full of expectation. All of a sudden there was a big change of plans and she had to adjust to the new plan... God’s plan vs. her plan for her life. Sounds familiar doesn’t it? But I found something that I think helped Mary. As I was reading the story of Jesus birth the other day in Luke, I noticed that several times it mentioned how Mary had found favor with God. I looked the word up in the Greek and found this: favor- divine influence upon the heart, grace, joy liberty, and pleasure. God’s poured His favor upon Mary and I am sure that helped her with all the sudden changes. It is cool to me that God still pours His favor upon his people today. Psalms 5:11 says, “Let all who take refuge in you be glad;let them ever sing for joy.  Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you.  For surely O Lord, you bless the righteous; you surround them with your favor as with a shield.”  I am very thankful for God’s favor upon my life and that I can be righteous simply because of the gift of Jesus. It has helped me as I have journeyed through recent days. In one short sentence, sign me up for more favor! Isn’t it good to know God loves to pour His favor upon us? What a wonderful gift!

I went on a walk the other day and when I returned I knew it was time for more letting go. I had saved some of Joe’s ashes from when we sprinkled them in the Guadalupe River this summer. I didn’t know at the time what I would do with them but knew that at some time I would know. I felt it was time to deal with them…so I took them and sprinkled them on the front and back lawn at our home. He spent countless hours enjoying his yard. I also spread some in the dark brown soil of my lemon tree. My kids tease me and say I love my lemon tree more than them but it is not true…I love them more but my lemon tree is very special to me. I shed some tears but it actually was not as painful as I thought it might be. I knew Joe would be pleased and felt this was necessary to go on with my life without him.

This Christmas season I have had fun enjoying some things that are new to me like chestnuts roasting on an open fire, I went to a Cornish Christmas in Grass Valley California one evening and that is where I saw what it was like to see chestnuts roasting.! I also met the children of the man I have been dating…I felt things went real well but driving to meet them I had to admit this did not feel like my life I was living. I felt like I was living a new movie but I told myself it is good to be 50 (at least a few more days) and still discovering new things and people. I have also had another huge wave of grief hit. I think it has been a combination of having a date and being around another man and the holiday season. So many Christmas carols remind me of holidays in the past. This wave caught me totally off guard and I have to admit I have been mad at Joe for leaving me to pick up the pieces of my life, and trying to figure out how to live my life without him. At times I feel I navigate well and at others I feel totally lost. It is a good thing my date was understanding and knows it is best for me to cry and embrace the pain. I hate how grief clouds things for me and reminds me that life will never be the same for me. That makes me mad too…but it is what it is and I must go on. Although I enjoy the adventure of discovering a new life everything is so different for me and I miss my old life.  On a lighter note, I have encountered so many waves of grief in the past two years that I have decided to sign up for surfing lessons so if you hear of any let me know. I figure that it could be a fun way to ride the waves. I have to keep having fun in life!

Where ever you find yourself this holiday season, join me in trusting God, asking Him for favor and finding a cool way to ride the challenges you face and...breathe.

Looking for surfing lessons,


1 comment:

  1. I love this post, Kathleen. I love how you share. I love the image of surfing. I've been thinking of grief as swimming, but surfing seems more appropriate.
    My you find lots and lots more of God's favor.