January 12, 2010
The last couple of days I have found myself looking at different pictures of Joe and me and wondering, “What happened to my life?” One year ago I was a happily married woman and now there are times I simply “where am I, what do I do now, how do I do it? Is this my life now?” It is amazing how much my life has changed in a matter of weeks…..in a year…..one year ago we were learning the REAL meaning of words like CAT Scan, biopsy, treatment options, tumors, Merkel Cell , etc. Now I am learning the REAL meaning of words like widow, single, just to name a few…….I am learning more and more that change is here to stay and to contend and overcome. We can either be overcome by our circumstances or we can overcome them by how we respond to the change or difficulty we find ourselves in. I believe that overcoming power resides in each of us as we rely, trust and depend on God moment by moment. My response to my circumstances is all I have control over. I didn’t ask for this “set of cards” handed to me. I didn’t ask to be a widow. I don’t have to like it or understand it. But ultimately, I am responsible for how I navigate through the grief to get through it, I just have to keep taking little steps each day to embrace the reality of the loss. I have cleaned out his closet a little at a time, removed all the medical supplies and the contents of several drawers. I still have a ways go but doing all at one time is too much for me. I have had several days I have not worn my wedding ring but put it on today……..there is something comfortable, “normal” about wearing it and some days I just need the comfort it brings. But I am taking little steps to move on with my life and for the most part feel on top of the waves of grief this weak. I still wear out very easily which cramps my style. All in all I am sleeping better but still have restless nights when the grief presses in and still have times of my body aching from the grief.
Today I read John 16: 32-33 in the Amplified version:”Yet I am not alone because the Father is with Me. I have told you these things so that in me you may have perfect peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration: but be of good cheer (take courage; be confident, certain undaunted)! For I have overcome the world. (I have deprived it of the power to harm you and have conquered it for you.) Jesus tells us several real important things in this passage. Tribulation, trial, distress and frustration are part of life on this earth. So many times people go around blaming the devil but it is just part of living on earth and as believers I believe God is allowing us the opportunity to exercise our “overcoming muscles” because we are capable because of His power in us. This scripture tells us to be joyful and confident because we CAN overcome when we rely on Him. But all too often I have blamed my attitude or actions on my circumstances. God has been showing me I have a God given right to be an over comer instead of being overwhelmed by my circumstances. I constantly pray to see things from His perspective and ask Him to change mine.
Embracing the pain and overcoming,