March 30, 2010
After two great weeks of turning a corner and really enjoying my new life, I began to feel the waves of grief pick up as the weekend approached. A few little thing happened that surfaced tears and I let them roll …..I don’t care where I am, I know the quickest way to healing is to embrace the pain when it comes. I also had a great weekend as I got to spend some time with a woman who is passionate about God and His plan for her life and was single for 7 years before meeting and marrying a wonderful man. What a gift to me and confirming that I am on the right path in my grief and singleness!
Back in December I journal what I felt God speak which was, “I am going to fast track your grief.” I had three different people this past weekend say the same thing to me in three different locations and conversations……I love when God confirms what He speaks and such a blessing to me to comfort me as Monday and Tuesday were another story for me. Several months ago, I cleaned out most of Joe’s clothes from his side of the closet. I had a friend organize things for me and she put my jackets on Joe’s side in the vacant rack. Every morning I open the closet, get a jacket and see some of Joe’s clothes that are still left. It has never bothered me until Monday when I opened the closet and it was as if a wave of grief slapped me in the face. I sobbed, The rest of the day was tearful as was Tuesday. I let them roll as I know the quickest way to progress thru the grief is to face the pain even though it is difficult. I can’t say I like crying but I am discovering that weakness is holy place. I think our perception of weakness is different from God’s…….of course he says that in Isaiah 55….my ways are not your ways and my thoughts are not your thoughts……when will we get that? When I reflect on painful times in my life, those are the places that I have been strengthened by God and have grown into who I am today.. Physically I have been exhausted and not felt great as grief is draining. I have had to rest more and am thankful that God has provided phone calls that have made me smile…..for every problem we have, God has a provision. It sometimes takes me some time to discover that and I know there are times I miss it.
Although physically tired, I have enjoyed my single life today and new friends I am making. Life is different but it is good again.
I heard a song today by Meredith Andrews called What It Means to Love…the words are: "How could I go back to life as usual? How could I return to who I once was? I just want to take your story to the world because you have shown me what it means to love." Life will never be the same and I will never return to being Joe’s wife. I do want to take the story of His goodness and love to me during this time to the world. God has shown me incredible love and I want others to discover what I’ve found.
Riding the waves,